U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
