I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
