Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We need to get me chipped asap
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
