No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
