My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
