so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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