im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
