I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
