Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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