I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
