Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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