how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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