True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
