I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
