I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
