one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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