So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
