I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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