Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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