why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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