um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
