I think I died a long time ago.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
