My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
