life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
