Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
