I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
