a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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