is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
