You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
