dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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