I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
