when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
