Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
