How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
