i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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