I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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