I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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