How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
