I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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