im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
