I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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