im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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