Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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