I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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