Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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