I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
