I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
