I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
there is glitter all over my balls
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
