By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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