OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
