my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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