best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.