so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.