the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room