fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.