I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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