I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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