Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
