We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
