someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
