well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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